Today is a bright sunshiney Fall day, September 9, 2024. I woke up to an IG post, pictured above about the 9/9 portal but didn't connect the dots completely until later in the day. I recognized the ending , new beginning and unconditional love. Nine is 3 3 3. You'll catch the meaning...
At 9am on 9/9 my blind almost deaf geriatric Boston Terrier was laid to rest at a generous friend's Pet Cemetery. He was encouraged with the first clump of dirt leaving my hand to run free and enjoy his Liberty! More on that later.
Yesterday was a different story. A gentle rain fell as I finally came to terms with the fact my elderly pet was suffering unbearably and, as a wonderful YouTube video from Healthcare for Pets recommended, "it's quality over quantity", I finally decided euthanasia was the correct choice for my furry family member.
So, where to start? I originally didn't believe in euthanasia and hoped my beautiful Beau would pass peacefully in his sleep. I'm pretty sure the Universe laughed. My boss's wisdom, she months earlier had lost in the span of a few weeks a 6 and 18 year old pet, "When you know, you'll know" kept ringing in my ear and on my heart as I watched my dog's function drastically change them somewhat improve over the span of 2 months.
In my process, I looked far and wide for positive tips on how to best handle my dogs passing and only found one that I didn't consider trauma inducing. I hope this blog gently helps you as well if you're in the same situation.
Here's our story.
In January 2024 I felt a heavy energy and thought my 15 year old Boston Terrier had passed away while he was laying on my stomach early in the morning. I knew this energy wasn't friendly and asked the Universe to help Beau exit on his own terms, not due to this. I wanted us both to 'end well'. He had always been food motivated so I picked him up, grabbed his food, he immediately stood up and started eating.
So during the course of 2024 , if Beau ate food I took that as my cue that he was healthy and wanted to live. Fast forward to July and him eating unhealthy items off the ground and me realizing 'this must be how he's choosing to exit' but being amazed he seemed okay even days after eating what he shouldn't. (By the way I tried to remove the item from his throat but he literally inhaled it, I definitely kept a diligent closer look afterwards).
Then in early August he had an unexpected bout with what I later figured out must have been a UTI (he eventually peed orange colored urine) resulting in his immediate transformation from a dog walking/swimming in the morning to one who couldn't stand, would literally flop over on his side and was conked out, sleeping heavily just an hour later.
The morning after his drastic change, I thought he was going to die but I had to go to work. I'd been listening to Joe Dispenza videos and knew I wanted to bring my best to this situation. I felt the Universe tell me not to be in 'poor me' mode but intentionally choose thoughts of appreciation for his life. This was about him and to honor him. I was able to focus on this during the day but still thought he would be dead by the time I got home.
Instead, my dog who usually didn't recognize me by sight sound or smell lifted his head and seemed to recognize me. He even took a short walk with maximum assistance but still couldn't do steps and would flop over when trying to poop. He was eating but not really hydrating. I was encouraged he might live and the rollercoaster of emotions began.
I called my vet to see how to treat this suspected Urinary Tract Infection but the cost was prohibotive and my Vet decided against evaluating or treating Beau due to his age. I found out the cost of euthanasia and saved the money.Thankfully he did prescribe anti-inflammatory pills to help Beau walk.
I found helpful tips online to provide alternative hydration and Beau enjoyed broth and puppy frozen treats. His urine cleared and function improved day by day though he never regained his previous strength or stamina. Thinking about end of life wasn't really on my mind, I thought we were on our way to recovery "he's eating, drinking, peeing and pooping so he's healthy and wants to live ".
I dreamed of things my trusted furry companion and I would do in the future and wondered how long he could live hoping for more years.
During this time Holy Spirit would nudge me to get off my phone, historically I spent too much time on my computer or phone without active interaction with Beau, so I started to pay attention to Beau in more meaningful ways. Griffin and Haru YouTube videos really helped with strategies for this. He also seemed more engaged at times, letting me pet his face more. When I had a migraine around this time, he even laid at my feet to comfort me, several times he would act like he did when he was younger, checking on me when I was getting ready for work as of to coach "don't be late".
Three weeks later I noticed his left side seemed to be larger than his right but fluffed it off as imagining things. I could admit he was getting winded more easily and our walks were shorter. A few days later I noticed his left side now had a fist size protrusion. Maybe the non-food item he had eaten in July was simply making it's way through his system. I had been praying for, meditating on a Divine solution so Beau and I could go enjoy more years together.
That night he was restless and I got no sleep as I comforted him the best I could. In the morning his left leg was stiff and he couldn't walk sending me back to tears and fears of him dying. I felt Holy Spirit tell me "It's about him and not about you" when my thoughts turned to 'poor me', this time was more of a struggle. I really had to be mindful and grateful for his life. Again he was resting so I went to work and hoped he'd pass in his sleep before I got home.
In true Beau fashion, I came home to him standing and thought 'Hurray, we're on our way to recovery. I'm not going to pursue putting him down but take one day at a time ".
The next morning I came to the realization 'this must be a hernia ' and made a modified abdominal binder with plans to take Beau with me after work to find or create something better to stop the progression.
When I got home, his jimmied up binder had fallen off but I scooped him up in the car to find the items needed for a better solution. I noticed him reacting in pain when I helped him in the car but still was making plans for our future, sure potential solutions would work.
I bought several items, an ace bandage and kineseo tape and started attempting them at home. The bandage wouldn't stay in place and tape ended up being too tight. Over the course of the evening I watched as his left side was protruding.more and more and finally called the vet and left a voicemail to schedule his crossing 'in the next week ',
His left side started seeping a tiny bit of blood a few hours later so I called the vet again realizing a week would be too long to wait.
I spent the night awake being prompted by Holy Spirit that his death was about him and to hold him, lose sleep and be intentional to love on Beau and reminisce. At this I notified friends of his imminent passing and one happened to get a download.
This is what she shared (painting is pictured above):
"There was such beautiful movement in the vision I wish I felt I could capture that in a painting.... but the golden thread started by coming from above downward and then the other appeared across then the others diagonally... it was alive and all were spanning out and moving in a spin while the spirals were curling and appearing to be alive as well.... very difficult for me to describe it- it felt like love"
The next morning, Sunday, his left side was protruding even more but I felt he would be okay until Monday when the vet was open. I expected company later that evening so I spent the morning cleaning while Beau rested. An amazing coworker and friend stopped by on her break to bring oral doggy CBD to help Beau be calm and comfortable. When she arrived I showed how I was using medical gauze and a trauma pad to manage the increased oozing of blood from his side. She gave a monetary gift and loved on Beau and I wondered if I was too distracted by cleaning. He was still enthusiastically eating but only hydrating with broth.
After she left I spent a tiny bit of time with Beau and noticed him gazing attentively to the wall with his ears perked up and eyes actively paying attention. When I pet him during this, it startled him. Later the understanding came that a pet-loving friend from the other side was talking to him.
Soon he needed to use the restroom. He could no longer stand without falling over and definitely couldn't do stairs. After peeing his dressings fell off so I struggled to reposition them. He yelped in pain and I noticed much more blood than I thought had been seeping and his left side was just getting larger and larger. He was trembling in pain and felt feverish.
That's when I KNEW .
Quality over quantity. What earthly good would it do to delay his relief? Another friend sent a donation, I called the Emergency Vet Blue Pearl . With my saved money and my friends donations I could afford euthanasia at the ER Vet. We didn't need an appointment. I grabbed his treats and gathered him up, he couldn't walk and was in unbearable pain. In the car during the 14 minute ride he looked horrible.
He couldn't stand or walk when we arrived. The receptionist was wonderful and quickly invited us to the comfort room. Another amazing friend arrived and loved on Beau (she always remarked on his 'big Beau energy 'and how she'd never seen a dog attract so much love when we were out and about '. The day in August at the beach before our walk and swim, a sweet little boy took Beau's face into his tiny hands and it's one of my favorite memories). She made Beau more comfortable and loved on him while I filled out paperwork, again pondering if I was too distracted but so thankful I went sleepless the night before to cuddle and love on Beau.
I found out from the receptionist that Beau's body could be held, it was raining and I hadn't yet gotten in contact to arrange his burial at my friend's. Cremation was expensive for my budget and I was concerned about storing his body myself before being able to make arrangements, what a relief there was no fee for this.
My friend had to leave after we both had several minutes to love on Beau. He looked sedated but wasn't, just in so much pain and discomfort. The doctor arrived and invited me to stay, I accepted. Beau had a port in his paw, while he was injected, I was allowed to give him treats which he fervently consumed.
The sedation quickly worked, he gently laid his head down. This was followed by a quick flush before the solution was administered. The Vet let me know Beau was gone in less than a minute. His eyes were open and he still felt warm to the touch but she checked and his heart had stopped. It gave me comfort because he usually slept with his eyes open.
I could immediately feel Beau's intense joy at being FREE! Earlier in the day I did a doggy Energy Work session and understood Beau wanted to travel and have liberty. I felt his friend Nike who had crossed the bridge in 2023 was there ready to take Beau on a rip roaring adventure on the other side. Energetically Beau let me know he couldn't stand another day 'in that room' where he stayed when I wasn't home. He ended well, he ended peacefully, he ended loved and cared for and LIBERATED.
Earlier my friends asked if we should cancel our plans that night but I had watched more 'healthy grief ' videos that recommended 'greiving together ', I knew this is what my generous coworker had done on her break, what my best friend did when she came to Blue Pearl and now I didn't want to spend my first night alone without Beau, he had been my constant sweet companion for 16 plus years.
I wanted to grieve together and have to admit, that day of his drastic change was when I first looked around and realized my life would significantly change after he left.
My life, schedule, outings, eating revolved around what I could share with him, making sure he was safe comfortable and not left alone too long. Now on this side of his passing, I'm sure Beau was ready to cross the Rainbow Bridge earlier in the year but I wasn't ready. I had been given months to figure this out, what a gift.
I as crying heavily but so extremely relieved, he was pain free and I knew without a doubt I made the correct decision. The staff gently gathered up Beau and brought me his paw print with his name I just had to bake it slightly and it even had some of his hair in it, so thoughtful!
As I left Blue Pearl I saw 333 on the clock, I had been seeing 333 frequently lately, especially on sleepless nights cuddling Beau. This was when I realized the swirls in my friend's painting looked like 3s and she felt love as she painted it. Message received, 333= Beau loves me.
I remember when my boss's pets passed she made plans to change the room that was theirs. For me I knew I didn't i unhealthy attachments so when I got home I arranged to donate Beau's items or throw them away. I did keep his collar.
So today on 9/9 (333 333) I feel Beau's ultimate love. My coworker texted on arranging his burial during my get together the night before, I said 9am without realizing the significance.
At 8 or so this morning I picked up his body wrapped in a cloth gray burial bag from Blue Pearl. The staff gently carried him and put him in my car. I touched the top of the bag and was surprised by the stiffness and honestly it had the smell of decomposition which surprised me because he hadn't been dead for long yet.
This helped me really process that he was gone and that I made the right decision for us. Keeping him for quantity without quality of life wasn't something I was willing to do and he was more than ready to cross the Rainbow Bridge.
The peaceful drive brought us to my coworkers sweet husband who already dug a hole for Beau and another for another pet soon to arrive. They are going to put an actual garden bridge with a sea glass river over the graves, they got Beau's days of birth, they are making plaques for all the departed fur babies.
He asked if I wanted to throw the first clump of dirt, I kissed the handful and wished Beau fun freedom, he kindly let me know I didn't have to help shovel the dirt, I think that would have been hard emotionally. I cried a bit and thankfully left.
I decided to go get a cup of coffee and treat and started writing this blog. I threw away old blankets and pillows he had used and gathered up the items to be donated. Today I felt slightly guilty for being relieved he was gone and doing things I didn't usually do since days off were dog friendly focused.
I went to the Museum and did long window shopping. I caught myself thinking 'whooops I've got to get back to Beau' or 'i think Beau would like this treat ' then catch myself. He's gone and he was so ready to be gone and I was finally finally ready to let go.
I'm now on my journey to create a meaningful life without him.
Thanks for letting me share.
Addendum: Bacon Nails. Last week I got a manicure and chose Autumn colors, Tandoori cat cats eye. On Saturday morning when giving Beau his favorite bacon treats I hilariously realized my nails looked exactly like it!
His last little gift. Now I have 10 sweet reminders of my sweet baby even though he's graduated.
As I drive to work on 9.10.24 the sun is hitting my nails and I really can see the rainbow glitter in the polish.
Literally I have Rainbow Bridge bacon treats on my nails, Beau I LOVE THIS!
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